JayBee

I collected some wonderful questions in response to my posting the 10 Character Meme the other day, so I'm now posting my answers. I'll combine questions from people on both my LJ and IJ flists, because the answers are too hilarious not to share.



The characters are:

1. Bree Hodge (Desperate Housewives)
2. Amanda Tanen (Ugly Betty)
3. Jack Bauer (24)
4. Angel (BtVS and Angel)
5. Glinda (Wicked)
6. Laura Roslin (BSG)
7. Mark Antony (Rome)
8. Sydney Bristow (Alias)
9. T-Bag (Prison Break)
10. Lisa Cuddy (House)

From yahtzee63 on LJ: If 3 and 8 had to perform a karaoke duet, what song would they pick? Which one of them would pick it out? How much would they love or hate this?

Dear Lord. Jack Bauer and Sydney Bristow: karaoke partners! OK. This somehow becomes necessary in order to capture a dastardly villain who operates a karaoke bar as a front for hiding a previously-unknown Rambaldi artifact that will, if activated, unleash an onslaught of glowing red balls upon Los Angeles within the next 3 hours, 13 minutes and 28 seconds.

Sydney dons some sort of leather-corset-and-fishnet-stocking-number along with a shocking electric blue wig, while Jack wears, well, the same rumpled outfit that he's had on for the past 18 hours ever since he first received that frantic phone call from Chloe. The object of the karaoke performance is to distract the bad guys long enough for Marshall to hack into their computers and crack the password to disable the timer that will set off the bomb that will burst open the bunker that will trigger the release of the artifact that will, uh, do something terrible to the hapless denizens of LA.

Jack lets Sydney pick the song (she opts for "I Got You Babe", as it's a duet), because Jack Bauer does. not. sing. Ignoring the melody, he'll just shout the words hoarsely as he stalks up and down the stage glaring at the audience. Sydney will have to carry the performance by dancing around in her provocative outfit -- unfortunately, all of this will be interrupted when Jack, losing patience mid-song, leaps from the stage, snatches the baddie by the throat and pounds the man's head repeatedly into a table, screaming "TELL ME THE PASSWORD NOW OR ELSE MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!" This causes an all-out brawl to erupt, but thankfully Sydney karate-kicks their way out of the nightclub to safety.

Sadly for Los Angeles, they fail to stop the Rambaldi device in time, and thousands of bouncing red balls descend from the skies upon the city, resulting in a writers' strike.


From caramelapples11 on LJ: Would 1 and 2 have a shot together if they paired up?

Bree Hodge and Amanda Tanen? Alas, I think this romance is doomed. At first, everything seems to be going wonderfully: Amanda works for a fashion magazine (a job of which Bree approves) and her wardrobe and personal grooming are *impeccable*. Amanda, in turn, is flattered by how Bree waits on her hand and foot and brings her cookies where the frosting is actually color-coordinated to match the doilies on the dining room table.

However, it all begins to go sour when Bree begins to suspect that Amanda is even lazier and mouthier than Bree's own daughter. One morning over a perfectly done artichoke and mushroom frittata, she archly suggests that perhaps Amanda might consider setting down her bottle of nail polish just this once and giving Halston a bath, as the dog is beginning to smell, well, a trifle mangy, shall we say. Amanda stiffens haughtily and replies, "OMG, I can't believe you just spoke that way to *Faye Summers' daughter*", which causes Bree to smile sweetly and say, "I wouldn't consider being the bastard offspring of a promiscuous anorexic and a man who wears makeup to be much of a bragging point, if I were you." Aaaaaand things would pretty much deteriorate from there.

However, Bree wouldn't allow Amanda to leave until she handed over Marc's phone number, because Bree thinks he would be *perfect* for Andrew!


From catsma on LJ: If #'s 3, 6 and 7 decided to have a threesome, who would direct the action?

Jack Bauer, Mark Antony, and Laura Roslin. Wow. This is like the all-star battle for supremacy! I'm going to call it for Roslin, in the end: both Antony and Jack can behave like children, and Roslin would outwit them with her clever schoolteacher tricks. Or else she'd threaten to toss them out an airlock, which would immediately bring them in line. (And between you and me, I think that would kinda turn Jack on.)

Why do 1 and 8 dislike each other so?

Bree Hodge and Sydney Bristow hate each other? I don't know how anyone could hate Sydney. Unless! Unless Bree isn't *really* Bree, but rather a devoted Rambaldi follower who has been turned into a *look-alike* of Bree and goes about Wisteria Lane sneaking mind-control serum into the water supply until Sydney, acting on a cryptic tip from a Tibet-pilgrimaging Arvin Sloane (who may or may not have ulterior motives), has to show up and stop her. Evil!Bree and Sydney then engage in an epic battle of flung crockery that completely destroys the Hodge house.

4 and 9 decide to go to a LOTR con. Who turns out to be the tinhat and why?

Angel and T-Bag. LOL! This is possibly the most unlikely scenario EVER. Let me think about this. All right. Angel decides to go because a string of mysterious disappearances leads him to believe that the planning committee of the Con is actually populated by SOUL SUCKING DEMONS, and he brings T-Bag along because…because…oh, I don't know, because T-Bag likes killin' things, and because he's so creepy that Angel suspects he might terrify even demons. T-Bag agrees to join him because he secretly kind of *admires* the idea of soul-sucking demons, and he plans to betray Angel as soon as possible, assuming that the demons agree to pay his price. Which is a first class airplane ticket to someplace where there is no extradition treaty that would send him back to a certain prison in Illinois.

To everyone's surprise, however, T-Bag becomes entranced when a Con attendee shows him a Domlijah photomanip, and he breaks down into tears about how CRUEL IT IS THAT SOCIETY WON'T JUST LET THEM BE TOGETHER OMG! Angel is thus forced to battle the demons alone. Broodingly.


From swatkat24 on LJ: 6 wants to take over the world. 7 is their sidekick. How do they proceed?

Laura Roslin wants to take over the world, and Mark Antony is her sidekick? OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS. *Is terrified*

Madame President can be totally Caesar-like and cunning yet nobly devoted to the people, and Antony can do all her dirty work as her loyal-and-maybe-a-little-corrupt-but-so-charming-you-don't-care henchman. Until he's captivated by Six, however, and lured over to the Cylon side. Which for some reason requires him to wear lots of kohl smudged around his eyes. Lee and Vorenus, in the meantime, engage in an angst-competition-to-the-death, while Pullo and Kara drink, gamble, and have a hot, sweaty quickie in the pilots' locker room.

If 1, 8 and 9 wrote fic, what would they write?

Bree Hodge, Sydney Bristow, and…T-Bag. Oh, dear. My brain hurts even contemplating this. Bree is secretly addicted to mpreg (under an alias, of course!) or maybe pseudo-mpreg where one of the characters goes around with a prosthetic pregnant tummy strapped on under his clothes; Sydney writes super-angsty hurt-comfort where everyone is constantly having amnesia or being turned into a zombie and having to be s3xxored back into health; and T-Bag, um, writes tentacle pr0n. Yes, definitely tentacle pr0n.


From deborak: #7 and #3 are in the cast of a current blockbuster Broadway musical. Which musical, and what are their roles?

Mark Antony and Jack Bauer! (Why does everyone want Jack Bauer to sing?) Oh, I am not very knowledgeable about musicals, but I'll say Spamalot. With Jack as Lancelot and Antony as Sir Robin.

#5 decides to spend the rest of their life in a religious order. What church do they join?

Glinda. Hmmm. The canon choice would be the mauntery of Saint Glinda, of course! But bringing it to our universe…is there a religious order that allows its members to wear enormous, glittery gowns? I'm thinking she'd opt for something New Age and vaguely self-affirming where they'd play tinkly harp music and harness the power of crystals.

#6 plays matchmaker. Pick the two people on the list s/he would target as the best match.

Oh, Laura Roslin would so totally love playing matchmaker! But are there *any* compatible people on this list? Hmmm. Oh! Amanda Tanen and Mark Antony! They're both gorgeous and shallow and self-centered and insufferably vain but sometimes funny and charming, and they'll get along marvelously! That is, until a jealous Atia sneaks poison into Amanda's lipstick. Luckily for Amanda, Betty accidentally knocks it onto the floor and cracks the tube open, exposing the lipstick to the light and neutralizing the poison. Amanda is grateful for all of about ten minutes, and then she goes back to mocking Betty's poncho with Marc. Antony, in the meantime, has forgotten all about Amanda and is ensconced in a hot tub with a bevy of supermodels. Amanda decides that she doesn't mind, because as hot as Antony is, it's kind of embarrassing dating a man who doesn't know how to drive a car, much less own one.

At this, Roslin throws up her hands in dismay and vows never to play matchmaker ever again.

#4 auditions for American Idol. What song does s/he sing, and what does Simon say?

Angel auditions for American Idol. Ha! He sings…Total Eclipse of the Heart. Paula squeals, clasps her hands to her heart and starts to cry -- in agony or happiness, it's impossible to tell. Randy shrugs and says, "Yo Dawg, I wasn't feeling that. It was just a'ight." Simon scoffs, "It's like boy-band met goth and had a hideous out-of-tune orgy." The votes: one yes, two no. Rejected!

Fannish rodeo! #1, #8, #9, and #10 compete in bull riding. Who stays mounted the longest, who immediately falls off, who gets severely injured, and who finds Brokeback love with a rodeo clown?

Sydney Bristow absolutely stays mounted the longest. Lisa Cuddy immediately falls off, which is a good thing, because then she can tend to Bree Hodge's severe injuries. T-Bag will find Brokeback love (that is, if "threatening to shank with a rusty razor glued onto a toothbrush" counts as "finding love") with the rodeo clown. The poor terrified clown will be clutching T-Bag's turned-out pocket in no time.

#2 is stalking you. What tokens of love do they leave in your house to demonstrate his/her absolute devotion?

Amanda Tanen is stalking me? Well, I’ll know right away it's her because she is SO not subtle. However, deciphering her intent may prove more challenging, because she's prone to scrawling lipstick messages on my mirror asking: DO U KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS? along with MEET ME IN MOM'S SECRET SEX DUNGEON, which quite frankly kind of sends sort of confusing (and worrying) signals. Occasionally when she doesn't really feel like making the effort to actually *stalk*, she'll get Marc to break into my house for her, but he's not very enthusiastic about it, to say the least, and all he manages to do is leave half-eaten candy that he's swiped from Betty's desk drawer.

Her infatuation doesn't last long, however, and eventually I receive another scrawled lipstick message: I WENT THRU UR CLOSET. U HAVE WORSE TASTE THAN SUAREZ! I never hear from her again.


From zulu: 3 & 5 frequent a restaurant run by 2. 9 is their waiter and 7 is their chef. Why are they there? What sort of food is served? What do they order--and what wacky hijinks ensue?

So….Jack Bauer and Glinda (!) frequent what must surely be the WORST RESTAURANT IN THE WORLD. With Mark Antony as the chef, the menu is likely to feature such delectable Roman delicacies as dormouse platter. (Mmmmmmmm, goooood!) The waiter, T-Bag, sports a hand that was hacked off with an axe, carried around through the woods, and finally sewn back on by a terrified vet, and so he's prone to losing his grip and dropping plates of food in customers' laps. When customers complain to Amanda Tanen, who runs the place, she merely rolls her eyes and goes back to filing her nails.

I admit to being somewhat perplexed as to what they are doing there. Jack can be on the run from the Chinese (again) and has chosen the restaurant because it is the last place on earth anyone would look. Glinda has found a way to travel to our world in search of Dorothy, whom she wants to bring back to Oz as a unifying figurehead ruler, but she took a seriously wrong turn on her way to Kansas and wound up at Chez Amanda.

I think all they dare order is bread, but when T-Bag drops even that, Glinda quickly levitates it so it won't fall to the floor. Unfortunately, Jack becomes convinced that this power is a new secret, terrorist weapon, and before she knows it, Glinda is locked in the back storeroom getting to know his not-so-subtle interrogation techniques.


From sk56 on LJ: 1 is running for office -- what position, and what's the major part of their platform?

Bree Hodge…runs for mayor after the unfortunate (but very conveniently timed) death of the incumbent Victor Lang in the tornado. Her platform is stridently Republican: new zoning to shut down all adult-oriented businesses, and a repeal of laws restricting gun sales within city limits. Just when it looks like she is about to triumph, however, her campaign goes down in flames when it is discovered that her newest child isn't actually *hers*.

2 is cooking dinner -- what are we having?

Amanda Tanen is cooking (this, like Jack Bauer singing, seems to be a recurring theme!). I think we wind up having a couple of sliced celery sticks, if she feels like making an effort, or she'll toss us a -- still frozen -- package of Lean Cuisine and tell us to go to the microwave ourselves.

3 and 4 want to have lunch together -- what are the options?

Jack Bauer and Angel want to have lunch together. You know, Angel doesn't have a whole lot of options, and Jack, well, while gore doesn't exactly faze him, I think he might actually draw the line at *drinking blood*. I think they would compromise with a steakhouse: Angel could get a slab of raw sirloin and squeeze drops of blood into his mouth, while Jack would get a T-Bone, well done. Angel, however, would insist on changing the time to dinner instead of lunch.

5 is buying a birthday present for 6 -- where are they shopping, and will 6 like what they get?

Glinda is buying a birthday present for Laura Roslin? Roslin is probably *thrilled* at the opportunity to shop for any new clothes whatsoever, given that she's been limited to the meager (and dwindling!) supplies from the handful of civilian transport ships that happened to be carrying women's business attire at the time of the Cylon attack. However, when Glinda waves her wand and Roslin suddenly finds herself in a satin ball gown with a lengthy train, she has to run and change -- but not before everyone on Colonial One erupts into hysterics.

7-9 are planning a surprise birthday party for 10 -- will this be successful, and if not, how will it blow up in their faces?

Mark Antony, Sydney Bristow and T-Bag are planning a surprise birthday party for Lisa Cuddy. Poor Cuddy! T-Bag's idea of a "surprise" is to jump out from around a corner, slit Cuddy's throat, dismember the body and stash the head in a freezer. Antony's version involves tosses her into bed and having his way with her while slaves bring them refreshments. While Cuddy might actually enjoy the latter, Sydney cleverly distracts them by suggesting that T-Bag and Antony go and buy a birthday cake and then, while they're away on the errand, secretly whisking Cuddy off to the safety of a witness protection program.